I am a Survivor. With a big ol’ capital S. Why the big S? Because being a Survivor requires the acknowledgment of something stronger than just a name or description. It’s not who I am totally, but a big portion of my heart, soul and body. - Shani Kenny 2015

Sunday, December 20, 2015

We're all a little mad here.....

We’re all effed up. We all have extreme issues in one way or another. Some just even a small amount of things. But we’re all human. We all deal with shit in our own way. We all use different outlets to express our frustration, sadness and rage over it all. For people like me, posting random crazy BS to my FB wall, or ranting, help. I also delve into PSP regularly to work on many things at once. The reason for it is, it gives me some peace. It’s calming and soothing. I have OCD tendencies with my PTSD and it’s soothing. I’m a traditional ritualist. Things have to be done in a certain way. So for me, that’s one of the things that help. Writing helps, griping, bitching, t.v. binge watching, movies of course, music and books. All those things help.

The thing that gets me, is when people freaking bitch about how someone spends their time on social media. Look, I’m a FB junkie like most. I love reading up on what my friends are doing, posting random, shameless posts about my family and just crazy shit. Here’s what I think.. STOP FREAKING BITCHING! When I log into FB, I use MY email address I’ve had for 15 years, MY password. When I look at my page, it says, “Shani Kenny (Scrapping Yoda/Neenja Master)” at the top. I see the profile pic and cover that I CHOSE! I post wtf I want to. Anybody who knows me well, knows I post just about ANYTHING. FFS I even post about how smelly my family is! You know what? It’s MY choice.  Nobody else can tell me what I can and cannot post. I mean for real? Who made anyone the social media police? It’s MY page, so I’ll post WTF I WANT! Do I bitch about my health? Fack yeah I do! Why? Because I’m human. Because  it’s a release. It’s a point to put out there what I’m dealing with and sometimes get ideas of how to deal with it from friends. And what else? ZOMG….. HELP! SUPPORT! UNDERSTANDING! LOVE! All from my family and friends. It’s called SOCIAL MEDIA for a reason FFS. Dude, really? Who stood up next to some ridiculous asshole and deemed you the facking post police? You get paid for that shit? If you are, then that’s a waste.

I am BEYOND furious with stupidity of others right now. How dare anyone else say shit about someone else posting about their health? Yup, I realize it’s YOUR page…so I respect that, to a point. But if you’re going to post something like that, grow the fack up and be bold enough to post the name of who you’re talking about. FFS, is this middle school? Are we 12 again? I mean I know my inner child is stuck at 12 and I’m 38, but even I can see the stupidity in keeping it “quiet”. I’m not guiltless of this in the past. I’ve done it too…but I’ve faced a whole lot of BS and grown the fack up and faced my own stupidity face on and had to atone for said stupidity. So let’s be real shall we? If you can shout how it’s your page and you can say what you want and demand respect for that, do the same. Respect the fact that someone needs an outlet to pour out their own pain and frustrations. You may claim you know someone’s health history but that’s BS. You have no idea how hard it is on anyone and how they struggle. Last I checked, you’re still wearing your own shoes. So unless you’re prepared to remove your stinky, pathetic shoes and step into someone else’s, give it a rest.
I dare ANYONE to take a step into my raggedy ass high tops with the mismatched laces and take a few steps in my world. I guarantee you, it’s not an easy world to be in. For real. Just as much as I probably wouldn’t last in your shoes. I don’t want t hem.

I’m going to say this; I don’t stand for this kind of BS. We have our own ways of dealing with things. Respect it, or walk away. There is the really awesome miracle on all social media that allows you to un-follow or unfriend someone. ZOMG! FOR REAL THOUGH! You don’t like it, change it. Remove the persons account from yours. Instead of making passive aggressive comments just say it and get it over with. Especially if it’s someone you’re supposed to be “friends with” I mean when someone says shit, there will always be someone who screen shots it and sends it to someone else. FFS, I’ve seen that a lot in the PSP community. It’s how it is. It doesn’t make it right.  Honestly, it would be less hurtful if you were just up front about it. Don’t pretend to like someone when you’re just hanging around to gather shit to spew. Try a breath mint and duct tape your own raggedy shoes and be honest.
You demand respect for your social media rights, respect others. I’m ranting about this now, thanks to some BS I’ve seen off and on today. Oh and heard via phone and my lovely in-laws. Ranting about what my kids post or what I have. People who bitch about me bitching….people bitching about others. I’m just fed up with it all. Before someone points at me and tells me I’m doing the same thing, I’m saying it about my in-laws for one, and for two, it’s a ran about the whole universe doing it. The person who bitched me out, knows who they are and I don’t’ have to give a name. Because at least it was addressed.

I wish people had more compassion for each other. If we all stopped fighting and being arseholes, we could have a lot more peace. In the end, all we want is world peace. ;)

I leave you with this rant my friends and maybe a few things to reflect on. I know it’s got me thinking!


With love and cookies for all.....

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

When fears hit home.....

Over the last few days, my son has been sharing more with me about what’s going on with his friends, and his latest run in with the idiot kid who believes that anybody who wants to kill themselves should be left alone to do it. It sparked up some questions he had for me. I wasn’t expecting it when he asked me, “Ma, why do you feel so angry about that kind of stuff? You know…the people who do it?” He meant suicide and my strong/angry feelings toward the whole thing. Believe it or not it was a very hard thing for me to talk about. I had told him the usual when I’m faced with something that deep rooted to give myself a day or two or more to prepare… “I don’t want to talk about it today. Someday…soon…we’ll talk about it.” He sat up from his spot on the couch and looked at me and said, “Ma, you always say that. Please can you tell me?” How could I deny this kid? I couldn’t.

So I proceeded to tell him about how my mom had witnessed my grandfather (paternal) slash his wrists right in front of her. He had severe PTSD among other things from his time in WW2. It wasn’t easy for my mom to deal with, as it wouldn’t be for anyone. BTW, she got him help right away and he lived. There would be more attempts through the years. My mom had told me as an adult that it stayed with her forever. She still had nightmares from it. I then told him about how hard it was for her after her accident and that the severity of the trauma she went through caused some serious emotional and mental issues. I didn’t go into detail on that, because he knew about her accident and I didn’t want to make it worse. I told him that over the course of five years, she would attempt to take her life 3 times. One of the times, my brother was pulled out of school to come home as they loaded her up in the ambulance. Thankfully, she didn’t succeed in her attempts.

Things got better for quite a while, at least in the sense of her issues had settled down more. Part of that was the move we made to Oregon I think. I was 21 when I noticed more often the destructive path she was on. She went out with a friend who constantly wished to party. With the way I would later find out mom was feeling, she felt it was the only way to escape it all. I had just turned 21 so I was out there partying for a bit too. At first I was cool with it, at least I could make sure she was safe, you know? But then when I was done with the drinking, she still was going. There would be quite a few times where she wouldn’t come home at night or I’d have to pick her up from where ever. One night even as she sat on the side of the road. Yeah, so not ok. I found out about two months later that I was pregnant with Otelia. She was my first baby, and I was petrified. We didn’t see eye to eye over what she was doing. So I spent a lot of time away from the house. At one point I didn’t want her to come to the hospital when it was time. Which crushed me and her both. But at the time I questioned how much she truly wanted to be a part of our lives, you know? She slowed down the two months before I had Otelia. When I had her, the only person besides my husband I wanted in there was her. I was so thankful, and I am to this day. She told me once that Otelia saved her life. Talk about humbling! It was so much so. She stayed sober for about a year, choosing to go out but not drink. She spent so much time with Odie (Otelia’s nickname) and they were inseparable. The love they so obviously felt for each other even then was just amazing. I often talk about it to Odie. She doesn’t remember much but she loves to hear about her. By then I found out we had Christopher on the way. During that few months, she slipped up and pretty much fell off the wagon. Things were getting harder for overall. The constant pain she was in, the PTSD and depression as well as anxiety got worse and worse. She did what a lot of people suffering from such things did. She self-medicated via alcohol. Again, she sobered up. Christopher was born and he and Odie became her life. She stayed sober for a while too. She would go out a few times during that last year and slip up, but nothing like she had. Once again, one of my babies saved her life. We had her around longer than I ever expected. When Christopher was 15 months old, we lost her. I still fully believe that she knew that last year. The hospital visits for various things were coming through a lot. Still, the shock of it gets me to this day.

I told my son about all of this. And he sat and listened, interjecting a little. He said, “So Ma, I saved her life??” he asked me in shock. I was honest with him and told him yes, and I wish I could help him understand more what he meant to her. A different start, a way to change things. To make up from the wrongs she felt she had brought onto us. I could hear the emotion in his voice when I told him thank you for helping to keep her around for longer. We sat silently for a minute or two.

I told him about my cousin Greg and his death. Greg was only two or three years older than I. He had done good in his life, he was Assistant Fire Chief at his station. Something we were immensely proud of. He’d gone through some rough patches here and there. We talked a lot, especially after my mom passed. Hew as in D.C. for something work related but he called me and told me how sorry he was. How much he loved us and wished he was there. The thing about Greg was, he meant what he said. We talked a lot after that, often about our mom’s. He was one of the only two people whomever talked about her. I told him how Mae loved watching Emergency! With Dave all the time. She wanted to be a “fire fighter guy” when she got old enough lol. He would send messages via me to her; send her information on fire safety, training videos, etc. They had a unique bond, I’ll never forget. It shook me hard when I found out about his passing. I’ll never forget how I found out…disgustingly via Facebook. Yup… saw a family members post and called my aunt thinking they meant Greg Sr., his dad. I won’t go into detail about his death, but will just tell you this, we never saw it coming. He had been suffering from a deep depression that he hid from everyone around him. I think about him all the time,  you know? It’s the moments that you wish you could have saved him, how did we not know? Every situation is different, every person handles their demons differently. He saw a way out, no matter how selfish I see it. But he thought that it was the only way to deal with it. God I miss him…every single day of my life. There have been so many times where Mae seen a fire truck or ambulance and would tell me, “there goes Cousin Greg!” and I cried a lot over that. She understood better than us, even though she “knew” he wasn’t there physically, he was in spirit. He spent most of his young life saving everybody else around him. Sometimes I think we failed in saving him. Other times I feel like he failed us. I struggle with it a lot.

I told my son all of this, and he got a better understanding of it all. I then told him how proud we were of him for standing up against someone who made a comment about his friend’s sister. His friend turned to him in anguish about her sister self-harming and was suicidal. Christopher lost a friend to suicide and found out this summer. It crushed him…it was so hard to watch him go through that and not feel his pain. He voiced what we all do, how could I have made it different? How did he not see it? All I could do was hug him as he cried and help him through it. Fast forward to about two months ago at school when this friend told him all this. He offered up support and asked how could help. He talked to her about seeking help, and perhaps figuring out a way to help her. Someone sitting near them told them that if the girls sister wanted to kill herself, to just let her do it. My son, who is pretty chill and goofy, flipped out. When I tell you flipped out…he jumped out of his seat and starting screaming at the kid. “NO! you talk them out of it. You get them help, you do everything you can to help them through it. you don’t let them do it!” It got intense enough that a teacher aid had to step in and calm him down. I was shocked when I heard this. But I was so damned proud of him.  Last week another kid said something to Christopher along the lines of “go kill yourself”. He flipped again and told him in not so uncertain terms if he didn’t STFU he was going to go to the violence way. In better terms. Again, I told him how proud we were of him for standing up. Next time, maybe not so much violence lol.

Last night he told me that his friend had called her sister to check on her at lunch time. He though ti was her mom and yelled out “Hi Amy’s mom!” and she told him it was his sister. He insisted on talking to her and said one of his favorite lines from TMNT movie. “yo, we’ll find you.” And then says, “By the way, this is batman.” She laughs hysterically and says in good humor, “I’ll see you in hell.” Again another movie quote lol. They laughed so hard. Today, during her daily call to her sister, she wanted to talk to Christopher. She told him thank you for talking to her and cheering her up yesterday. I told him that it should make him feel so awesome to know that he could make something positive out of her day. Sometimes it takes just something so simple to help. I told him how I felt about that and said, “We’re so proud of you and to know that you go out of your way to help, makes me feel like we’ve done something right by you guys.” He looks at me and says, “Ma, you always do good by us.” Oh man…talk about CRY! I cried my heart out. There could be nothing better said than at that moment. My boy made some of my pain go away. He repaired the crack in my heart. Even if it was just a small one. Suddenly, I felt some peace and forgiveness come into my heart for those I lost to this kind of thing. I told him that and it humbled him as well. I hugged him and told him thank you for everything.

It’s true you know…this kid…so smart at 14, healed my heart. I truly feel humbled and honored to have him as my son. Even when he’s driving me bonkers, making me mad, and being an ass. He has so many positive sides to him and so many amazing things. He deserves all the happiness in the world. Someday, he’ll see all of that. We have a really good relationship, and our bond has gotten stronger over the last year. We have this crazy side of us though. We’re both music freaks and drill each other on who sings what songs. We say movie quotes constantly lol. He brings out the kid in me. Especially as he’s running through a store yelling, “Larry!, Where are you Larry?!” for fans of Impractical Jokers show, you know what I’m saying. Even more so when he grabs this stuffed dog almost as big as he is and says, “I found Larry!” OMG…my husband acted like he didn’t know us lol. We play off of each other and our sense of humor is similar.  We talk a lot, and no matter what happen in life, he’ll always know how much we love him and his sisters. I couldn’t ask for more.
In closing, I encourage you to do what he has done. Reach out to love ones and friends, bring some sunshine to their lives. If they’re in any situation that is traumatic, hard or suffer in so many ways and look for a way out, help them. Give them the hope that it will get better, have faith in them and if needed, search out help. Nobody should feel like the way to make the demons lose is taking their life. You could just end up saving a life. Let this inspire you to do well and reach out. My hope is that all of this wordy moments, brings you some peace and sunshine as well.


With all my love and then some,


Saturday, November 28, 2015

Giving into the emotions.....

……is sometimes all that’s needed. As most everyone knows, I’ve had a really messed up few weeks. Between my constant tummy issues, lack of sleep, stress and over all frustration and anger (towards all of the things mentioned before), I’ve just had a bad attitude. You know? For three days now, I’ve felt way better. Just out of the blue! Thank heavens for a reprieve. I’m more than sure that it won’t last as long as I hope it will. Thankfully, I see my doctor next week and then a specialist in two weeks. It WILL get better. I have faith in that.
But my reason for posting today, I’ve had a few days of reflection also. Through some awesome talks with my “Twin” Shannon, it’s triggered some of the memories and dreams I’ve had of my mom. BTW, I call Shannon my Twin, because we’re so much alike, it’s scary. My given name is actually Shannon. Even though I go by Shani. The scary part? Shannon’s boyfriends name is Chris! My husband’s name is Chris and so is my sons.  I love her to pieces and adore her. Our friendship hasn’t always been at it’s best, hell nobodies is perfect. But in all the years I’ve known her, I’ve grown to love her like a sister. Someone who is so selfless in so many ways it’s amazing. There moments where she has listened as I rambled on and on…she gets things that most don’t. We understand so much and she often tells me It’s a “Shannon” thing lol.

But like usual, I digress. Oh please like you didn’t realize I’m totally random and ADD and run off on other things and getting away from my point? LOL…but there I go…randomness hits!

Today is her mother’s birthday. She passed away a few years ago. She was very close to her mom, like I was to my mom. I get the feelings she’s having and the heartache. She’s had a rough year over all. I won’t post her business here, that’s private. But I’ll tell you this, she’s a TRUE Survivor. Remember what I’ve said from the get go about that word? I am a Survivor. “With a big ol’ capital S. Why the big S? Because being a Survivor requires the acknowledgment of something stronger than just a name or description. It’s not who I am totally, but a big portion of my heart, soul and body.” It rings true for her as well as so many other Survivors. It’s a role we may not have wanted, but it’s there. We’re Survivors and we’re going to make it through.

As I’ve been thinking of my Twin, it’s made me reflect on my own mom. You could say it was a “trigger”. Any Survivor or Survivor of PTSD understands what that is. It’s one thing that can set you off on to a different path of flash backs, memories or terror. PTSD is one of the hardest thing for Survivors to live with. So yes, her talks triggered that for me. Ironically, not in a bad way. In a good way. I’ve been plagued with nightmares for weeks since I’ve been dealing with this BS with my health. But Shannon’s chat with me triggered GOOD dreams.

I had a dream this last few days where we had this HUGE celebration. I’m talking concert worthy celebration. It was so weird!!!!! She was there, I was, so many of us Survivors. We got to get up and talk about our loved ones or our experiences in life. In the dream I stood on a stage with a microphone and said, “Never was my mom perfect, but she was my mom. She was everything to us. The one lesson she forgot to teach us how to live with out her. But in reality, she did. Losing her, we were forced into that lesson.” By the way, part of what I said was exactly what I said at her memorial. My mom wanted to always be celebrated, never a funeral. Hence the memorial and “party” after. But this was so weird, this dream. So raw and just… odd to me. But it made me think  A LOT about my mom. Suddenly memories started flooding back in. GOOD memories at that!! Mostly, some bad. But I’ve been able to open up with my kids as I’ve remembered stuff. Remembering is huge for me, because of the PTSD but also because of the fibromyalgia. Remembering my name some days is just hard lol. But these memories, they pushed the anger and sadness out of my head and heart some. Memories that I can look back at and smile and laugh. In this dream, we all got to celebrate our loved ones. We told stories about them to this huge crowd. I’ve always, always been open about my family and am notorious amongst my friends for my posts about my family on Facebook. Sometimes yeah, I’m an over share kind of person lol. But this dream….I really, really got to get a message out. Like I was yelling to her in heaven, telling her I get it now. I love her, and it’s really going to be ok. For me, with the way I’ve been for the last two weeks, so negative and just angry, it was a smack in the face. A smack I needed. I needed to look at things differently. For the last four days, I’ve felt so much better. I miss my mom every single day of my life. I still cry, get angry, get happy, etc. Some days or moments are worse than others. When you think you’re ok, it hits you hard. Whether or not it’s a good trigger or bad one.

It’s made me think a lot about Shannon, and her own grieving. I don’t care who you are, you will always have some type of grieving pop up when you lose someone you love and especially when you were close to them. It’s been 13 years since I lost my own mom and this year, it was super hard on me. I felt like a shell of myself, crying, getting angry, fighting for understanding and just plain sadness. I think part of it is how effed up my health is. A reminder that she went through so very  much at my age. It’s hard to reflect on the bad stuff. You know?

In that, I want to make a point of saying that it never matters how long it’s been. I know my Twin is hurting, and I wish I could magically across the country and knock on her front door and just hug her. Hug her until some of that grief settles away. Take my babies and my Chris and just harass the hell out of her. Make her laugh, smile, have a shoulder to lean on. For both her and her Chris. To have us together as a family and help her through this. It’s hard on someone who has gone through as much as she has this past year. It’s hard when all is failing and you want that person right in front of you and you can’t have them. From her stories about her mom, I understand how special she really was to my Twin. She’s one of the lucky ones you know. Having a mom who truly loved her unconditionally and was there. Not a lot of people can say that. She was/is very close to her mom, just like I was with mine. It’s not something you can turn on and off. The grief and mourning will come back. It never truly goes away. And for her, that’s part of the reason it’s hitting her so much. She’s so strong even though in this moment, she doesn’t feel like it.

My Twin – Shannon, I want to tell you this….YOU my wonderful, beautiful, amazing, crazy, hilarious,  smart, selfless friend, are just amazing. You ARE a Survivor in every sense of the word. You have the ability to just share your love for your friends and family. The walls are  there, just like with all of us. But the ones  you’ve let over that wall, you love them beyond what anyone ever expected. I know this is so hard on you right now and I would take it all away in a heartbeat if I could. I’d make it better for you, and give you peace. It pains me not to be able to do that. You and I both know, it WILL get better. But don’t beat yourself up for feeling this pain. You’re allowed you know, to just sit back and have an off day. To just let it all out and not push it down and out and fighting you. I know you my love, we’re so much alike. Right my Twin? Let yourself go…allow your emotions to flow out and even through it, you’ll find a little peace. I know for a fact your mom is so proud of you.  You’ve come so far in the many, many years I’ve known you. I’m so proud of you and the strides you’ve taken and have a better life than you did just a few years ago. You found such an amazing Chris to be there and to love and knowing he loves you just as much. How many people can say that? I think he’s so wonderful and just the best.

My friend, I love you more than I can ever put into words. You know I’m serious when I tell you that I love you, and in so many ways, you ARE my sister. I always wanted a sister you know. Brothers just aren’t the same! ;) you are so strong, you are a Survivor. Rejoice in her love, and the love you have for those close to you. You deserve all the happiness in the world.

In closing, to all of you…no matter what you’re going through, you’re not alone. Reach out, put your hand out there and tell someone you trust and love that you just need a hug, a moment to talk,  whatever it is. Share what you’re feeling, and it WILL bring you some peace. I can guarantee you will. Celebrate the love you have for your loved ones who are gone. Celebrate the memories of good and the love shared. No matter how long it’s been, you’re still going to grieve. Allow yourself to do that. If you don’t, you hurt yourself and those who love you. Do it for your loved one. Allow every emotion to come through that connection then rejoice and celebrate.  Sometimes I think, “What would my mom do?” and I reflect on that. Do as she always told me, celebrate her life.

Celebrate and rejoice my friends in all the love you have and the ones gone. Because no matter what happens, you deserve to pull out and bring out all the emotions you’re feeling. Grieving pops up out of nowhere. Embrace it, and find some peace.

I’m so thankful for all of my family, friends and supporters. I hope that through my ramblings and craziness, this brings a smile to someone’s face. A moment of peace.


With all my love, hugs and maybe a cookie…..


Tuesday, November 24, 2015

There will be no miracles.....

..... this Christmas Virgina. I know that's some off way of quoting a movie, but I don't care. Never could say I explain things right! LOL For the first time in 15 years, my kids won't get Christmas like they should. YES, they've received wonderful gifts from friends already. YES, they'll get stuff from my in laws and Great Grandma. But in the process from the in laws, there will be stipulations and put downs. It's done in such a way that for a long time the kids didn't realize it. Now they're older, they know. They know that now since my husbands sister and family are back at there house (from back east, Army) they won't see them as much. I'm ok with it, but it hurts them in the long run. It really does. It makes me so angry and hurt. I can't help it. I can't help that I can't get used to it. I can't be ok with it, you know?

I missed the sign ups for the Christmas program for low income families. I had strep for two damned weeks along with this stomach BS. It totally went out of my head along with everything else. I'm mad at myself, and it hurts me for them. Mae would have been the only one who got anything probably because of her age. But still, it sucks to sit here and know for the first time in their lives, I've got nothing to give them. With Chris work hours going from one extreme to another, we're playing catch up on bills as fast as we can. That leaves nothing left over. Of course, my crazy husband hoards his reward points he wins or gets from doing reviews from the store he works at and uses that to get things as he can when he has enough. But it's not the same.

They may not believe in Santa anymore, but they still love Christmas. yes, it really is about being together, doing fun things as a family, being silly and happy. Those are the best presents we can have. But for me, a kid that suffered through so much bullshit as a kid, it's difficult to choke down. I stopped believing in Santa by the time I was 5. Why? Because I was smart enough to know that no matter how good I had been, Santa didn't come to my house like he did to my friends;. I knew that Mike's (Mom's long term BF at the time) family bought for us, and treated us ok. But it wasn't the same. We were never with my own family during the holidays. Well let me re-phrase that...I can count on one hand how many times in 16 years we were around family during that time. I'd say just about 3. Even then, they all chose to walk away from us. Am I bitter? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. There is that part of me that still hurts for the 5 year old who stopped believing in just about everything that kids should believe in. Jaded at 5. How sad is that?

So you see, it hurts. I can't give them things like other parents do. They never complain about it, they never want shit all their friends have, and they are always happy with what they get, no matter what. But it doesn't stop us from feeling the pain. The pain that makes you feel like a failure in every possible way. This year has been so fracking hard on all of us. The last three months have been the worst I think. I find myself not posting to FB with silly stories of my family. I'm retreating back with in myself like I used to and closing off the ones who care about us most. It's easier that way. you find out that it hurts less and the more you keep it away from everyone, the less they have to endure and bitch about. I want to give my kids the world. How many parents do? A lot of us, and some not so much. 

Have I mentioned how I don't really like to take charity? Yup... I really do. I grew up in a household where you didn't take charity. If you did, you were a failure, an incompetent asshole and disgusting. I lived in a nice house, good neighborhood, yeah, but lived worse than we do now. SMH...I'm getting away from my points here. It kills my gut to have to suck it up and get help. It burns a hole in my soul..... all because of those few times during my childhood that I did accept the help. All because of one asshole who thought it was ok to bring on the pain whenever he could. I can't blame him totally though, for a lot of reasons. I've yet to learn to forgive him and what happened. I honestly don't know if I ever will be. It's what fuels my anger at moments like this. It's the honest truth.

I hate that we have to wait until tax time to make it up to them. To buy the things we want for them to have, new clothes, new goodies, etc. It hurts as a reminder of how effed up things were. Usually, I'm pretty ok during the holidays about everything. I really am....but this year...man...everything has me doing the bah hum bug quote. It just REALLY hurts. I'm not used to feeling like I failed my family so much, you know? 

No, I didn't post this for sympathy, for charity, for hand outs, for criticism or anything out. I'm posting because I'm trying to do what my mom always taught me. Writing it out, and getting it off my chest. I used to write a lot as a kid and teenager. I still do and figure here's a way where maybe, my stories might help anyone at all. Even if it's the bad shit. Maybe a time to later on look back and revisit how I was feeling. A reminder that it will get better. Right now, I just don't have the patience for it.

Sometimes, being a parent hurts a lot more than it should. Even though my kids are awesome about all of this and rarely pout about it...yup..rarely....it still hurts. I haven't broken that cycle it feels like. I've let them down and I don't know how to make it up to anybody in my family. I really don't. I can't work outside the home. The at home jobs, pfffttt. You realize how long it's been since I've done customer service work? Nearly ten years! I used to love it, and I don't mind it so much now. But I can't do it. My health is all tuckered up and I'm sitting here in the quiet, crying to myself as I type and having a pity part for one. It won't last long, I'll suck it up and distract myself. But for this one moment, I need to just get it all out. My heart aches for them and so much more. Knowing that my world is crumbling around me scares me worse than my health. It's hard to shut everything off and push forward some days. It really does.

I know in my heart of hearts, I'm not failing them as much as I think I am. But I could be doing so much better. I'll get there. I will....it's just a matter of which path to take.I have no real desire to do scrapping stuff and running huge sales, or getting organized to help bring some money in. I've totally slacked off and let so many people down. 

So yup..pity party for one up in here! I'm shutting the pity party and train down at noon, so I better get it on out while I can. 

In closing, I'm hurting. But I know it will get better. I just wish that I had done more or been able to do more for them this year. They're my whole life and my reason for breathing every day. I want to give them the world and more....and I can't. I really don't care for Christmas this year. But I'm keeping that away from my babies. Next year, maybe, just maybe, I'll have things put back together and have some plan to do better by them.

Even if I am all like Scrooge and Bah Hum Bug, I WILL be thankful and I AM for my family and friends. I'll rejoice in their love no matter what. My hope is that we'll all find peace this year and make it better. I know for sure that come tax time, we'll be able to spoil the hell out of them and then some. Just sucks it's AFTER the holiday. BLAH.... damned government! LOL jk....

Many happy wishes, thanks for reading my story, and may you all continue to be blessed.


Sunday, October 4, 2015

Letters for Mama.....

I wrote this a while back and after dealing with a lot the last few days, I needed this reminder. That no matter what has happened, she still loves me the way I love her. 

So here it is.... a letter to Mama.....


Dear Mama,

Oh how I miss you! I go through all these things, angry at the world angry at whatever..and sad I don't have you here with me. But then on days like today, I look at my babies and I have to say thank you. Thank you for every moment of my childhood, good or bad. Scary, or happy....loved or hated. All  of it. Every moment that made me who I am. Every time you held my hand just to make sure I knew you were there. I can remember just having you hold me, before things got harder on you. You would hold me and we'd snuggle under that pink blanket of yours. The one I had a match too. We'd watch the Carol burnett show and crack up. I loved your laugh, your smile and just the peace in your face when things were ok.

The moments of you showing me how to put make up on, crimping my hair, dressing me up when I hated it lol. As much as I miss you right this second, damn it I'm so thankful for you. I know that it's meant to be, and honestly I'm trying to be ok with out your physical absence in my life. Because I KNOW with everything in me, you live in these moments with m own kids.

Christopher came to me asking me about what we can do with his hair since I dyed mine purple. He wants to be blonde he says, and have it spikey. Took me straight back when you did that to Daves hair! Remember when the Boz was the coolest thing to football? Everyone had to have the Brian Bozworth hair do. And you did it, regardless of what mike said, never mind what family said, or the world. You did it because YOU wanted Dave to be happy. To be his own person. I told Christopher what ever he wanted we could do, he wants to just be a lighter color than what he has and spikey. I'm going to do that for him because it's what he wants to show is identity. He's so handsome Mama, so proud, fights like I can't believe for himself in life. And he's a smarter than most give him credit for. His sense of humor is such a mix of all of us. He makes me smile every single day.

I had promised Otelia I would teach her how to wear makeup. remember that mama? You took me to that snooty salon there in Federal way lol..Got to love the 80's! Remember the blue shadow??? Oh lord help me mama...some days I do miss the 80's lol. We were in the bathroom together as I got the flat iron plugged in and asked me to experiment with her hair. It's so long and thick, beautiful young woman she is. She asked me if I could buy one of those set ups that have the curling iron, flat iron and crimping iron. I started cracking up!!!! I was in 6th grade, the crimping iron was in full effect on my beautifully frosted blondish hair. Big fat bow on one side, black velvet dress with the doily collar. Full on 80's make up and my cool boots. 80's hair band baby!!! I wish I still had that picture lol. I loved it, you loved it and we had a blast doing it. You told me how to touch up my makeup before the pictures were taken. Sitting for hours with you just experimienting. God I miss those moments. But I was given a gift of having those moments with my babies. Mama Otelia is so wonderful. She sat and listened to every word as I told her about her hair, and what we could do with it. When I taught her how to put on makeup she hung on every word, and did just as I did. We talked and just enjoyed each other, with mae even!  Mama she's growing up and she's so beautiful, so free and so happy. I'm so thankful for that.

Mae was watching as we were doing all this today. Shed me to use the flat iron on her hair, so I did. She stood so still and lsitened. I was worried she wouldn't because she tends to get irritated and won't let me do it lol. But no, she let me! I straightened her hair and showed her how pretty it looked and how you could hardly see where she had pulled out her hair in the back. It's so much longer and looks so nice. She looked up at me and smiled...I melted. Mama I saw YOU in here. It was like you were there, damn I can't explain it. I just felt you and saw you in that smile. Uncle George kept telling me over and over how much she looked like you. I see it mama...and I'm so proud. I did her hair and she had me put tiny clips in it, showed off to daddy and he loved it. How grown up she is! She sat with us while we did makeup too. She wanted to put some on, so she tried. Oh how she cracked me up! The eyeliner...was more like cheek liner! And bright red lipstick! Remember that mama? Way back in 2nd grade? When Penny had bought me that sweet sixteen makeup for kids and it had the blue eyeshadow in the tube and the red lipstick? I took that to school and me and my friend Sammy made ourselves look beautiful at recess.  and we got in so much trouble when we went inside!!! That was so funny, but looking at mae...reminded me of that moment. It gave me some peace, a moment to be so thankful that I have those moments with them.

Mama I miss you....but I understand better. I see that every moment I had with you, has set me up to have these moments iwth my babies. Because of YOU and what you did for us in life, I can be a better mama to these babies. Thank you Mama for every moment of my childhood, thank you for loving me despite what flaws I may have had. For holding me and loving me when I fought to be away. For helping me be a better Mama and having these momets.

I miss you mama always, but I find peace in that love.

Sis

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Just one more moment in time....

......to say I love you. That's my one wish tonight. Just to hold my Mom and hug her one last time. To tell her I love her with all my heart. Why? Because I miss her so badly tonight. 13 years ago today, we lost her. She made her journey to a better place for sure. It's hard...it's devestating and even though yes, it does get easier over time, it still hits you on the rougher days. Soon I'll write more about her passing. I just can't tonight. I had a long talk with my girls about their La La (the name Odie gave her since she always sang "la la la"to her.) and how much she loves them all. Not loved..but loves. I talked with Odie about how close she and La La were. How even though La La is gone and was the year and a half after her passing, she's so much like her. So much so, it's kind of scary. They are for sure connected now. I talked about how much La La loved Christopher too and their close relationship. Amongst other things of course...I cried my eyes out. Odie cried hers out...we're a mess. Mae just tried to make us laugh and be happy. My babies...they are amazing. They keep me going and be stronger each day. Today, 

Today, I don't feel so strong. I feel weak and full of heartache and confusion. For whatever reason, this year it's WAYYYY harder than it has been in say the last ten years. I'm not sure why, a lot of things I'm sure. but it's there and it's raw and I just....I want just that little bit of time back. Even though my adult mind knows better, and the fact that part of it is survivors guilt, but my heart...it hurts tonight. 

Hugs from my babies and a good talk helped some. Looking over my past letters to her and poems in general helped too. I want to share with all of you the one I wrote in 2010 just for her. 

This is an original poem by me, Shani Kenny.

Just One More Moment In Time...


I open my eyes to the morning sun,
embracing it's warmth and shine.
Looking to the heavens above, wishing for just one...

Just one moment in time, 
To hear you laugh, as we giggle about the past.
For me to see that you are just fine.

My heart is full of love for you, for the family we had.
The times in my life, the triumphs, the glory, the embrace.
For all the feelings, the good and the bad.

Just one more moment in time,
To smile with my eyes, my heart, at you and life.
Telling you how proud I am, thank you for all the ties that bind.

I think of the memories, the moments of bliss,
The laughter, the sorrow, the fun and the hurt, no regrets, no do overs.
It is you that I miss.

Just one more moment in time, 
To tell you all the things I forgot to say,
My heart in pain, a way for me to pay.

For I never said I love you enough,
Never gave you more credit, never said enough how proud I was to be your daughter.
Even in the toughest of moments you did your best. In all the moments that were rough.

Just one more moment in time,
To save you from falling from grace,
Take away that pain, the scary moments that you needed someone to catch you for a change.
To wipe the tears away with my loving hands, away from your beautiful face.

I love you with everything I have in my heart.
Nothing can ever change that no one can take that way from me.
I ache in my heart for all the years we have a part.

Just one more moment in time,
To hug you, to hold you and never let go.
Reminding you that you were the best Mom you ever could be, and you were mine.

You worked so hard! You worked until you could not anymore.
Giving us the kind of life you never had, trying to fight and keep us together.
It's ok Mama, I don't blame you, I embrace you, forever more.

Just one more moment in time....
To tell you I'm sorry I couldn't save you.
If I knew then what I know now...I would have given so much more.
you used to tell me about the guilt one feels, and now I know, and I feel it too.

One of the proudest moments in my life, was when Otelia was born.
Three generations sat in that room, I watched you hold her with such love and grace!
You told me once she saved you, patched your heart where it was worn.

Just one more moment in time,
To tell you I forgive my past, that I've never once stopped missing you or loving every moment of my life with us.
Thanking you for saving me from myself so many times, for being the best La La you could be. For giving me fuss ;)

Never will anyone be able to take your place in this life.
Your laughter fills my memories, your love is in my heart.
For every happy moment, every joke, every boost, every strife.

Just one more moment in time,
To say just thanks Mama, thanks for my children, thanks for my family, thanks for everything.
Heaven has another angel in you, as Otelia once said, your in a house down the street in heaven, helping Jesus take care of the kids. 
For that I am grateful, and my heart sang.

I love you Mama, I miss you always. 
You are my heart, my love, my saving grace at times.
Forever in my heart, until the end of days.



Tuesday, September 29, 2015

An open letter to my monster.....

I wrote this a month or two ago. I wanted to put this up here for you all to see. Believe it or not, writing this out was healing in a way. I'm able to see the words and know that in some way, I'm proving that it won't get me down for long!

*****************

To my Fibromyalgia monster,

It's a love hate thing you and I have going on at this point. On one point I love the fact I FINALLY have an answer for the years of pain and suffering. I love that this "thing" has a name and an explanation if you will. I love that I can say, "Hey I'm not a lazy bum ass bitch, I DO have a problem. I have FMS." or "I'm sorry my ass is too slow for you, you know some people have FMS" and it be real.

On the other hand I hate you. I hate you because you ARE a part of my existence. I can't get rid of you, I can't fix you and I can't get you to move on. This relationship we have isn't going anywhere. So why can't I make you go? I'm looking for those answers to no end. And in the end, I have to come to the terms that there are NO answers to why you won't go. I have to submit to the fact that you will be with me until my dying days, even though I hate you. But I'm not ready yet to submit, I'm not ready yet to stop looking for answers. If I give up, if I submit, you win. Just like the ugly demons that have stalked me since childhood. I don't want that. I have enough demons why do I need a monster too?

Great question huh? Some days I think I have the answer to at least that one. I fucked up in my life. I made the wrong decisions. I hurt someone along the way shouldn't have. There was a point where my life hit a wall and I couldn’t get over it so now I have to suffer. Those are the bad days, the really bad ones. Like the last few days.

Funny how my family asks me what's wrong when I get this down and I have no words.  I tell them I'm ok for many reasons. I don't have the words to express it. I don't want them to have to feel that pain or shame. I feel...lost. Depressed, I feel pain like I've never felt before. I'm sad because I can't do what I need to for my family. Never again will I be able to work a regular job again. I can't do things with my family like I should be able to. This thing, this disease, this monster, took over my life and I can't figure out how to conquer it or make it easier. I'm letting my family down is how I feel you know. Like if I wasn't so gimpy or fucked up that they wouldn't have to slow down, they'd be able to do more and not have to wait for me or schedule things around a certain time so I can get up and be able to move around. How do I tell them these things without hurting them? I can't. So I suffer in silence. I suffer within myself and beat myself up. I sit in the bathroom when everyone thinks I'm going potty. And I cry. I cry for myself, for my pain and for my sadness. I cry out of anger because I can't express things to the ones I love without showing how broken  I really am.

It hurts. Not just the physical pain but the fact you’ve taken so much from me. You hooked up with Arthur (Osteo Arthristis) and wreak havoc on my body. You treat it like a jungle gym of sorts. Climbing from my knees to my thigh where that pinched nerve radiates pain down my leg and causes numbness. Up to my hips that are so fucked  up from an accident as a kid. All the way up my back where the screwed up discs are. Then, bouncing back and forth to my shoulders that have rotar cuff issues. Then you finally hit my neck that aches constantly. You make your way down to my arms and play with my carpal tunnel, numbing and causing electricity down my arm no matter what I'm doing. Some days ya'll continue this journey back and forth up and down and expect me to just deal with it. Is it a party to you? Is it a joke? It must be.

I really hate you. I don't use that word a lot, but I hate you more than my abuser as a child, I hate you more than anything I've ever dealt with.  I hate that you take away from me so much and give me nothing in return.

I'll never forget the story I read about the "spoons" that Sam shared with me a few weeks back. I sat here reading with the tears flowing. A woman figured a way to tell her friend what it was really like to have Lupus, another "hidden" disease. She used spoons as her visual and as she told her friend you have this many spoons for your whole day. For every activity you do, it costs you a spoon. The friend soon realized that every spoon taken away was how hard it was for the woman to deal with the day. That hit me so hard, and I felt the reality even more. You take away my spoons. You take away every spoon I set aside for the day no matter what the occasion or what has to be done. I hate you for that; you take away from so much more than me.

But you know what? I vow to figure out a way around you. Whether it's meds, activity, or mind set. I vow to fight you for my life. I might find acceptance for your presence in my life eventually. But I'll never submit. If it wasn't for my family or my friends and my Mama Sassy and my mama, La La in heaven and the grace of God, I'd have submitted a long time ago. But I won't. You WILL not win. FMS Monster, you will be weakened in return. It's a promise.

Forever strong and Forever a Survivor

Shani


Saturday, September 26, 2015

That fateful day.....

* Hey guys! Since I mentioned my moms accident in previous posts, I figured it was time to tell ya'll about it. This is mostly what I wrote about it af ew years ago with some minor changes. It was hard on me to share this one. I think since it's so close to the anniversary of her passing....none the less....I want to tell you our story. In my eyes, my mom was more than a Survivor. She was a true Fighter! Ty for reading!


****

On June 14th, 1988, our whole lives changed. My mom had been working at her new job at Circle K convenience store as assistant manager. She had just changed jobs and was 2 weeks away from getting full benefits for me and David. It was the summer that was one of our hottest.

Mama was working on a display that day that was a part of a contest held through the chain. Her usual customers came in, Shanna, her sister and her Mama. They were buying ice cream and chatting with mama. Another customer had come in earlier, she was 77 years old, I can't recall her name. She drove a huge green car and shouldn't have been driving. While mama chatted with her customers and rang up their ice cream, this woman made an illegal u turn in the parking lot and either the accelerator stuck or she was senile but she drove through the front of the store. This was back in the day when store fronts were glass form bottom to the top. To boot the concrete stoppers were put in backwards so they worked as an accelerator for the car. The car plowed through the cash register where mama was and Shanna and her family. the mom and her younger sister were thrown by the impact out of the way. My mom and Shanna got hit by the car. The force of the impact pushed mama against the concrete wall and as the lady hit the gas some more, helping to move the solid wall and mama 13 inches. All the while Shanna who was 2 years old, was trapped under the tire. She tapped and pulled on mama's leg trying to get help. A bystander got the car moved back and helped mama and Shanna get out. They were both sent to the hospital. Shanna died 5 hours later. The mom and young daughter came out of it with out any scratches.


That day changed everything for my family. I remember coming home from school that day, excited it was the last day. Mama was sitting on the couch all bandaged up and I was worried. Mike wouldn't allow me to touch her or go near her. I remember panicking and getting worried because I didn't know what happened. I heard her telling someone that she had been hurt at work. Mama wouldn't look at me. what was wrong? I don't remember much after that because I was sent out to my Aunts house for the summer, to better help Mama with what she was dealing with. I had fun that summer, but constantly worried about mama. I was explained to that she got hurt at work and she needed to heal up and get lot's of rest. I was 10 at the time and would have been more of a burden on her than a help. I never regretted that or blamed her. if anything I'm glad she did. Because as I got older I found out the other reason. Not only obviously were our names nearly the same, we looked almost identical. If you had looked at my 2 year old picture and at Shanna's you would have to look twice. Mama couldn't handle having me there, it was too raw and hurtful.


Looking back at her journals of that summer, I still get chills. She wouldn't sleep, the severe trauma of what had happened literally made her crazy. She was on so many meds as they tried to figure out what was going on with her back and leg. She was suffering tremendously. She had PTSD, Severe Depression, Anxiety and became agoraphobic. Even suicidal. At one point she held a knife to her leg wanting to cut it off to stop the tapping of Shanna's hand, or what she believed it to be. I admit that the meds they put her on at that time did not help a great deal. She began extensive therapy both physical and mental. Going home for the school year, I didn't know what to do. All I knew is she was hurt and I couldn't help her. I couldn't save her. David and I began a routine, he was working and school. He had worked all summer to help pay for mom's meds before L and I kicked in. Mike was an asshole who did very little to help with it. I still get angry over that. I began to take care of mama as much as she would allow me to and work on chores.

On most weekends I was back out at my Aunt's house to give mama a break. For 3 years she suffered so very much. When I was 13 she had back surgery to repair and fuse the ruptured disc in her back. She had permanent nerve damage in her leg that caused so many problems for her later.


David continued to work so hard, and go to school. Helped take care of us when mama couldn't. She had to fight to get L and I because they constantly told her she could go back to work. It was a bunch of crap! We went through a lot. i remember being 14 and being suicidal myself. Not many know that, crap only a few. I was so depressed with all that was going on. Mike was getting more abusive, and hateful. He no longer hit me, but the verbal was there. Mama hardly knew a thing. He told me he'd hurt mama in the early years. By then I had dealt with so much. I kept my pain from everyone, including mama. I didn't want to hurt her. Later I would find out she was on the brink of destruction herself. During 15 years before she passed, she would attempt suicide 3 times. Mostly in the earlier years. David had to come home from school once because of it. We all three suffered such trauma. I hated Mike for the crap he put us through. you see Mama was on her way out, taking us away as she couldn't deal anymore with his crap. He abused her too in a lot of ways. When the accident happened she was helpless. We all kept most of it to ourselves in order not to hurt the others. I regret that now, more than ever. Especially as I deal more with my mental health.


Looking back on so many things, I realize how much mama had to give up in order to be stable. I see her pain through her eyes as I always did from the time I was 14 on. She suffered so much, it was a wonder she survived. She kept us together no matter what. This last year I've had to come to terms with so much of my past. Hearing things I never expected. Like when I thought I hid it so well, that we all did other's knew. Facing my demon's has been so hard. This included. I know mama didn't always do things right, I question some things, and other's I'm proud of. I hurt yes every day in some ways for all sorts of different things. there will always be things no one knows about what we went through. But that's ok, it's not for everyone to understand.


Even though mama hurt so bad, she never stopped loving us. Never stopped being proud. She wasn't perfect, but she was my mom. I've forgiven the things that should have changed, could have. I forgive her for those things. I forgive the accident and the lady who changed our lives. I live now even after mama is gone to make sure my life is different and better. It's been 22 years now, and yes it still hurts. Anyone can say, let it go. But unless you lived it, you have no idea.


I think about Shanna and what her life would have been. I feel sorrow for her family and the pain they went through.
That fateful day, things may have changed but in all of it, it made us stronger. I hate that it took that trauma for making us that way. Do I hate her for the fact David and I were left to take are of her for 15 years? No...am I angry? Sometimes. Because I knew Mike could have changed it. But he was an abusive asshole who didn't care about us enough to save us.


My heart aches for the fact I couldn't save mama more. Even if in my adult mind I know I couldn't. With all that happened, not just the accident but all of it as a whole, I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Well, I should say I live with it.


I live with it, and I deal with it. I miss mama every day of my life. But today, I embrace her and thank the heavens she no longer hurts or in pain. She suffered so much and in the end she is at peace. I pray that i can find that peace with all of it.
Mama I celebrate you today, 27 years after the day that changed us. Thank you for your life, your love and your guidance. With out you, my life would not have been as rich. I praise you and thank you for everything, the good the bad and the turmoil. Because I would not be who I am.

Rest in peace mama, I love you.

Friday, September 25, 2015

I Can't..... (original poem)

* I wrote this poem on 6/14/13 It is all my words. I thought I'd share with ya'll. Maybe it will bring a smile even...


I Can't....
I can’t stop thinking about you,
Your smile, your laugh, your wisdom.
But you know as I know, this is nothing new.

I can’t stop looking at your picture.
Wishing I could kiss your cheek just once more.
Missing that place in my life, the one that you became a fixture.

I can’t stop wondering what you would say to all of this mess.
Wanting for you to help me pick up the pieces,
Finding myself begging for you to be here, I must confess.

I can’t fight the feeling of emptiness since you’ve been gone
There are things that have no meaning, no understanding.
I could tell you things no one knew. We were a pair with an incredible bond.

I can’t forgive myself for not saving you.
You don’t have to tell me, I know. It was time.
But I  play the what if’s, they why’s and even the how’s too.

I can’t give this heavy heart away
It stays with me, getting heavier at times more than others.
I want it to be easier, to ease itself away, for this I pray.

I can’t stop getting mad at you for leaving me.
You forgot to tell me how to live without you.
I’m having a hard time learning, can’t you see?

I can’t stop missing you, loving you and remembering.
The times we had, the good the bad, the amazing, the trauma.
Who’s to know when this will stop, go away and what tomorrow will bring.

I can’t hug you one last time and tell you everything so you know
That on your journey you may go, but how I love you even more.
I need to heal, grieve, and move on.  I pray for your guidance to help me grow.

I can’t forget you, you were my everything for so long.
Instead, I’ll cherish you every single day, as a constant reminder that you were an amazing mother.
La La, as long as I keep the good over the bad, the memories at hand, and heal from the demons, nothing can go wrong.

I can’t call you in heaven, but if I could
I’d tell you one last time, I love you. You were the best Mama you could be.
That it’s going to be ok now. All the pain is gone, and the peace will come as it should.

I can’t ever stop loving you, respecting you, praising you, forgiving and embrace the person you were.
Because you made me stronger, happier, more creative, hilarious, and awesome. Just because.
Thank you mama, my La La, my savior at times. Someday I’ll find that peace in all of its glory and it will be so pure.

original poem written by Shani kenny 6/14/13

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

There was once a crazy lady......

.... who says just about anything! Yeah, that truly is me. I mean I'm not really THAT modest about my family life. Some stuff is off limits though. I do have a stopping point. But ya'll will find out, I post some of the weirdest, funnies stuff EVER! Trust me, I find myself hilarious. Sometimes my own laughter startles me. Because it's so loud and obnoxious at times. Ask anyone who talks to me! LOL But I love laughter. I love sharing my funnies, my family funnies, and just the craziest moments of my life. I do it for so many reasons of course. But in the last year, I do it to share a silly moment to make someone smile. You never know who you may touch in one day. Not physically man..words! jeesh! :) I post a lot of funnies from my family on my Facebook page. But I want to start sharing them here too. Maybe in between the long posts of nothingness to everything-ness (yeah I made up that one...lol) I can add a bit of hilarity. Because lets face it, you'll figure out. My family is pretty effing awesomely hilarious. 

This one came up on memories of the day on FB, where they show you random shit you posted a year or more ago. So when I saw this, I had to post it! :D Enjoy!

*****


My kids have a very bad habit of cornering me in the bathroom. Meaning, if I'm in there to do my business, they come to the door. We have two doors on the bathroom. You have to go through my room or Mae's room to get to it. The door gets opened up, yacking, yelling, complaining, etc. It doesn't matter what they have to say, it all waits until Mom is in the bathroom. I swear!

I was in there earlier and the bathroom window was open. Christopher started to come to the bathroom door telling me something about his sister. I yelled "I AM ON THE POT!" Which usually is the warning if you keep at me I'm going to start screaming. Then it got me thinking of what my neighbors must think. The bathroom window has been open for weeks due to the weather.

I wonder what my neighbors must think of me. They're probably saying, "Why does that crazy bitch yell that she's on the pot/toilet every time she goes in to the bathroom? Like we want to know what she's doing! Why does she announce it?" Yeah...if I was an outsider that's what I would think. I'm forever yelling that lol. I threaten the kids all the time that when they're going to the bathroom I'm going to come in and talk to them over and over. I've done it a few times now even.
Bless our neighbors for putting up with the crazy lady who yells about being on the shitter.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Not your average every day Super Hero's....

When I say Super Hero’s DO exist, it’s with absolute belief and satisfaction in knowing this. I’ve seen and heard it. Nope, I am not crazy. Well, a little, but who’s keeping score? LOL When I write Super Hero, it’s with those capital letters again! Why? Because they are words that describe some incredible people who deserve that recognition and importance that comes with the capital letters in writing. Oh hell…they just deserve the recognition. They deserve so much more than that.

In order to give ya’ll some explanation on this, I have to give you a bit of back story. Picture it, Washington; the sun is shining for once and ….. jk…I did have to go all Sophia on Golden Girls! I couldn’t help myself, honest lol. But back to it….I was going through one of the toughest times of my entire life. I was battling postpartum depression among a million things. Christopher was born that summer. My worry over my Mom was getting more intense and I thought for sure we were going to lose her in that last year. She was getting sick again, flu that turned into pneumonia, and we didn’t know what the hell we could do. There’s more there, but that’s a posting for another time. My cousin was stationed in Guam during her short stint in the Air Force. She was working on her sobriety after a horrible accident and dealing with the break up with an abusive boyfriend. It was a hard point in her life too. During one of our many talks and emails, I decided that we should be Super Hero’s and we deserved capes. Our whole thing was that we were going to be Super Heroes who could conquer anything. We could race to the call of someone that was in need of saving from emotional destruction, sadness, anything negative. We would fight the good fight and go to battle with the bad guys who caused it. We could make the world a better place. We had these moments in email of hilarious dialog along with our regular chats and it DID make me feel better. It made us feel like we could actually change things for ourselves. Even though I’m not estranged from my family in many ways, I hold this to my heart as a little bit of hope that I CAN and WILL change things for the ones I love and myself.

Fast forward a few years later when my oldest two started school. Christopher was 5 when others started to comment on his movements and his tendency to race around everywhere. I swear that boy didn’t walk he ran! Right out of the gate too! LOL It was hard of course as a parent to hear that, or watch the looks. When he started Kindergarten, he was barely 5. He turned five three months before that. So he was a bit younger than most of his classmates. At the end of the school year his teacher approached me about having him held back because of his “issues”. I told her no, and I would look into having him checked out. She didn’t like it, but what could she do? It still irritates me ten years later. Over the next two years and many appointments, and frustration we found out that yes Christopher has ADHD. He’s on the scale close to severe. He told me once that it makes him feel like his head is busy all the time. That one was hard to swallow! Then comes the dx’s of OCD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder), OCD (Obsessive  Compulsive Disorder), Tourette’s, and sleep issues. It was so overwhelming, and I felt so lost. My husband was shocked and didn’t know what to do for the most part. Although he also has ADHD. It’s so hard to become used to all of it.

It was during that time when my son became worried that just because his cousin Dingus (not using his real name for a lot of reasons. ) shared the same disorders that he would end up like him. Dingus was about 8 years older than my son. He made a lot of bad choices and was in and out of juvie and running away. It was hard on my son because he did love him so much. It took 2 years and some counseling to help him to cope and to understand that it wasn’t the disorders but Dingus’ choices he made. He understood that Dingus had to deal with the consequences. Ironically, it’s one of the reasons why my son has always said he wanted to be a cop. So he could help others.

My oldest daughter ended up being diagnosed with ADHD and later on a form of epilepsy along with sleep and anxiety issues. My youngest was diagnosed with ADD and a developmentally delay that put her behind considerably from her peers. It was so hard on my heart. It was becoming hard on them too, because here’s something new they had to deal with.

So that brought in the Super Hero thing again. We told the kids that they were Super Heros with awesome powers!  We taught them that they ARE different than others in some ways because they have the abilities to do things others don’t think of, can’t or won’t. For example, it helped my son with his quick wit and his sense of humor. He has the ability to turn just about any negative moment into a positive with some of his humor escaping and a hand on the shoulder or hug to comfort you. Which is huge, since he has issues with personal space? Otelia can come up with this big long dialogue from whatever someone has said, and make up this believable at times. She can turn something around to make it easier to deal with. She gives the hugs we all need to make it through. Maelynne is our Nurse. She will fix you up, tell you what to do, and make anything better. She treats you with such love and strength. She’s empathetic to others, even the people who pick at her when they’re hurt. She can be the best person to have in some situations.

All of these things make up their powers. See what I mean? They can truly do things others don’t, won’t, don’t think of. They’ve saved me more times than not from so much. I’d be lost without them. An old friend once told me that a parent of a Special Needs child is blessed. Because God gave them to us because he knew we would do right by them and help them. It made me cry and be more understanding towards it all. It kept me going in the mix too. Now, yes not all parents are truly that way, but it’s true for most of us! My kids STILL talk about super powers and being Super Hero’s. Why? Because they believe in helping others, and paying it forward. Just as much as I do! Mind you they’re now 15,14 and 11 respectfully. So they understand better now than then. They’re not embarrassed about it either.

In fact, recently one of my closest friends told me that they do the Super Hero thing at their house. Her son is Autistic. Gosh I love him sooooo much! He’s a doll! So now, he’s a Super Hero too! In fact his sister made him a cape! I’ll post it at the end along with a pic of Mae in her make shift cape. When I was told this by my little cuppie cake, I was shocked. It took my breath away, and later, I cried. Because she gave me so much hope. So much more understanding and healed a crack in my heart with those simple words. It felt like I had conquered one more of those moments that my cousin and I had talked about it many moons ago. It made me feel like I could do anything now…it’s humbling for sure. It makes my heart sing and I am so incredibly honored.
In closing my friends, no matter how hard it is to be a parent, and a parent of special needs kids, there is hope. They have the best super powers and they deserve a cape too. Maybe start this in your house, focus on some of the better things they are capable of. Get them a cape too! Talk to them about it, and why you say they are Super Heros. They deserve that and so much more. Hug your kids a bit more today, make every moment count for something and just share the love. I would love to hear any of your stories too! I’ll even post them here if you’d like. Thank you all….for allowing me to share. <3 I’m not perfect, but I’m trying to share….for my own sanity.

Now I’m outtie!
Have some cake with a big glass of milk,
Share with your family and rejoice in the day!

With Love,
Shani

My daughter Mae from a few years ago:


My Super Hero Buddy
(posted with permission)