I am a Survivor. With a big ol’ capital S. Why the big S? Because being a Survivor requires the acknowledgment of something stronger than just a name or description. It’s not who I am totally, but a big portion of my heart, soul and body. - Shani Kenny 2015

Friday, September 25, 2015

I Can't..... (original poem)

* I wrote this poem on 6/14/13 It is all my words. I thought I'd share with ya'll. Maybe it will bring a smile even...

I Can't....
I can’t stop thinking about you,
Your smile, your laugh, your wisdom.
But you know as I know, this is nothing new.

I can’t stop looking at your picture.
Wishing I could kiss your cheek just once more.
Missing that place in my life, the one that you became a fixture.

I can’t stop wondering what you would say to all of this mess.
Wanting for you to help me pick up the pieces,
Finding myself begging for you to be here, I must confess.

I can’t fight the feeling of emptiness since you’ve been gone
There are things that have no meaning, no understanding.
I could tell you things no one knew. We were a pair with an incredible bond.

I can’t forgive myself for not saving you.
You don’t have to tell me, I know. It was time.
But I  play the what if’s, they why’s and even the how’s too.

I can’t give this heavy heart away
It stays with me, getting heavier at times more than others.
I want it to be easier, to ease itself away, for this I pray.

I can’t stop getting mad at you for leaving me.
You forgot to tell me how to live without you.
I’m having a hard time learning, can’t you see?

I can’t stop missing you, loving you and remembering.
The times we had, the good the bad, the amazing, the trauma.
Who’s to know when this will stop, go away and what tomorrow will bring.

I can’t hug you one last time and tell you everything so you know
That on your journey you may go, but how I love you even more.
I need to heal, grieve, and move on.  I pray for your guidance to help me grow.

I can’t forget you, you were my everything for so long.
Instead, I’ll cherish you every single day, as a constant reminder that you were an amazing mother.
La La, as long as I keep the good over the bad, the memories at hand, and heal from the demons, nothing can go wrong.

I can’t call you in heaven, but if I could
I’d tell you one last time, I love you. You were the best Mama you could be.
That it’s going to be ok now. All the pain is gone, and the peace will come as it should.

I can’t ever stop loving you, respecting you, praising you, forgiving and embrace the person you were.
Because you made me stronger, happier, more creative, hilarious, and awesome. Just because.
Thank you mama, my La La, my savior at times. Someday I’ll find that peace in all of its glory and it will be so pure.

original poem written by Shani kenny 6/14/13

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