I am a Survivor. With a big ol’ capital S. Why the big S? Because being a Survivor requires the acknowledgment of something stronger than just a name or description. It’s not who I am totally, but a big portion of my heart, soul and body. - Shani Kenny 2015

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Just one more moment in time....

......to say I love you. That's my one wish tonight. Just to hold my Mom and hug her one last time. To tell her I love her with all my heart. Why? Because I miss her so badly tonight. 13 years ago today, we lost her. She made her journey to a better place for sure. It's hard...it's devestating and even though yes, it does get easier over time, it still hits you on the rougher days. Soon I'll write more about her passing. I just can't tonight. I had a long talk with my girls about their La La (the name Odie gave her since she always sang "la la la"to her.) and how much she loves them all. Not loved..but loves. I talked with Odie about how close she and La La were. How even though La La is gone and was the year and a half after her passing, she's so much like her. So much so, it's kind of scary. They are for sure connected now. I talked about how much La La loved Christopher too and their close relationship. Amongst other things of course...I cried my eyes out. Odie cried hers out...we're a mess. Mae just tried to make us laugh and be happy. My babies...they are amazing. They keep me going and be stronger each day. Today, 

Today, I don't feel so strong. I feel weak and full of heartache and confusion. For whatever reason, this year it's WAYYYY harder than it has been in say the last ten years. I'm not sure why, a lot of things I'm sure. but it's there and it's raw and I just....I want just that little bit of time back. Even though my adult mind knows better, and the fact that part of it is survivors guilt, but my heart...it hurts tonight. 

Hugs from my babies and a good talk helped some. Looking over my past letters to her and poems in general helped too. I want to share with all of you the one I wrote in 2010 just for her. 

This is an original poem by me, Shani Kenny.

Just One More Moment In Time...

I open my eyes to the morning sun,
embracing it's warmth and shine.
Looking to the heavens above, wishing for just one...

Just one moment in time, 
To hear you laugh, as we giggle about the past.
For me to see that you are just fine.

My heart is full of love for you, for the family we had.
The times in my life, the triumphs, the glory, the embrace.
For all the feelings, the good and the bad.

Just one more moment in time,
To smile with my eyes, my heart, at you and life.
Telling you how proud I am, thank you for all the ties that bind.

I think of the memories, the moments of bliss,
The laughter, the sorrow, the fun and the hurt, no regrets, no do overs.
It is you that I miss.

Just one more moment in time, 
To tell you all the things I forgot to say,
My heart in pain, a way for me to pay.

For I never said I love you enough,
Never gave you more credit, never said enough how proud I was to be your daughter.
Even in the toughest of moments you did your best. In all the moments that were rough.

Just one more moment in time,
To save you from falling from grace,
Take away that pain, the scary moments that you needed someone to catch you for a change.
To wipe the tears away with my loving hands, away from your beautiful face.

I love you with everything I have in my heart.
Nothing can ever change that no one can take that way from me.
I ache in my heart for all the years we have a part.

Just one more moment in time,
To hug you, to hold you and never let go.
Reminding you that you were the best Mom you ever could be, and you were mine.

You worked so hard! You worked until you could not anymore.
Giving us the kind of life you never had, trying to fight and keep us together.
It's ok Mama, I don't blame you, I embrace you, forever more.

Just one more moment in time....
To tell you I'm sorry I couldn't save you.
If I knew then what I know now...I would have given so much more.
you used to tell me about the guilt one feels, and now I know, and I feel it too.

One of the proudest moments in my life, was when Otelia was born.
Three generations sat in that room, I watched you hold her with such love and grace!
You told me once she saved you, patched your heart where it was worn.

Just one more moment in time,
To tell you I forgive my past, that I've never once stopped missing you or loving every moment of my life with us.
Thanking you for saving me from myself so many times, for being the best La La you could be. For giving me fuss ;)

Never will anyone be able to take your place in this life.
Your laughter fills my memories, your love is in my heart.
For every happy moment, every joke, every boost, every strife.

Just one more moment in time,
To say just thanks Mama, thanks for my children, thanks for my family, thanks for everything.
Heaven has another angel in you, as Otelia once said, your in a house down the street in heaven, helping Jesus take care of the kids. 
For that I am grateful, and my heart sang.

I love you Mama, I miss you always. 
You are my heart, my love, my saving grace at times.
Forever in my heart, until the end of days.

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