I am a Survivor. With a big ol’ capital S. Why the big S? Because being a Survivor requires the acknowledgment of something stronger than just a name or description. It’s not who I am totally, but a big portion of my heart, soul and body. - Shani Kenny 2015

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Letters for Mama.....

I wrote this a while back and after dealing with a lot the last few days, I needed this reminder. That no matter what has happened, she still loves me the way I love her. 

So here it is.... a letter to Mama.....

Dear Mama,

Oh how I miss you! I go through all these things, angry at the world angry at whatever..and sad I don't have you here with me. But then on days like today, I look at my babies and I have to say thank you. Thank you for every moment of my childhood, good or bad. Scary, or happy....loved or hated. All  of it. Every moment that made me who I am. Every time you held my hand just to make sure I knew you were there. I can remember just having you hold me, before things got harder on you. You would hold me and we'd snuggle under that pink blanket of yours. The one I had a match too. We'd watch the Carol burnett show and crack up. I loved your laugh, your smile and just the peace in your face when things were ok.

The moments of you showing me how to put make up on, crimping my hair, dressing me up when I hated it lol. As much as I miss you right this second, damn it I'm so thankful for you. I know that it's meant to be, and honestly I'm trying to be ok with out your physical absence in my life. Because I KNOW with everything in me, you live in these moments with m own kids.

Christopher came to me asking me about what we can do with his hair since I dyed mine purple. He wants to be blonde he says, and have it spikey. Took me straight back when you did that to Daves hair! Remember when the Boz was the coolest thing to football? Everyone had to have the Brian Bozworth hair do. And you did it, regardless of what mike said, never mind what family said, or the world. You did it because YOU wanted Dave to be happy. To be his own person. I told Christopher what ever he wanted we could do, he wants to just be a lighter color than what he has and spikey. I'm going to do that for him because it's what he wants to show is identity. He's so handsome Mama, so proud, fights like I can't believe for himself in life. And he's a smarter than most give him credit for. His sense of humor is such a mix of all of us. He makes me smile every single day.

I had promised Otelia I would teach her how to wear makeup. remember that mama? You took me to that snooty salon there in Federal way lol..Got to love the 80's! Remember the blue shadow??? Oh lord help me mama...some days I do miss the 80's lol. We were in the bathroom together as I got the flat iron plugged in and asked me to experiment with her hair. It's so long and thick, beautiful young woman she is. She asked me if I could buy one of those set ups that have the curling iron, flat iron and crimping iron. I started cracking up!!!! I was in 6th grade, the crimping iron was in full effect on my beautifully frosted blondish hair. Big fat bow on one side, black velvet dress with the doily collar. Full on 80's make up and my cool boots. 80's hair band baby!!! I wish I still had that picture lol. I loved it, you loved it and we had a blast doing it. You told me how to touch up my makeup before the pictures were taken. Sitting for hours with you just experimienting. God I miss those moments. But I was given a gift of having those moments with my babies. Mama Otelia is so wonderful. She sat and listened to every word as I told her about her hair, and what we could do with it. When I taught her how to put on makeup she hung on every word, and did just as I did. We talked and just enjoyed each other, with mae even!  Mama she's growing up and she's so beautiful, so free and so happy. I'm so thankful for that.

Mae was watching as we were doing all this today. Shed me to use the flat iron on her hair, so I did. She stood so still and lsitened. I was worried she wouldn't because she tends to get irritated and won't let me do it lol. But no, she let me! I straightened her hair and showed her how pretty it looked and how you could hardly see where she had pulled out her hair in the back. It's so much longer and looks so nice. She looked up at me and smiled...I melted. Mama I saw YOU in here. It was like you were there, damn I can't explain it. I just felt you and saw you in that smile. Uncle George kept telling me over and over how much she looked like you. I see it mama...and I'm so proud. I did her hair and she had me put tiny clips in it, showed off to daddy and he loved it. How grown up she is! She sat with us while we did makeup too. She wanted to put some on, so she tried. Oh how she cracked me up! The eyeliner...was more like cheek liner! And bright red lipstick! Remember that mama? Way back in 2nd grade? When Penny had bought me that sweet sixteen makeup for kids and it had the blue eyeshadow in the tube and the red lipstick? I took that to school and me and my friend Sammy made ourselves look beautiful at recess.  and we got in so much trouble when we went inside!!! That was so funny, but looking at mae...reminded me of that moment. It gave me some peace, a moment to be so thankful that I have those moments with them.

Mama I miss you....but I understand better. I see that every moment I had with you, has set me up to have these moments iwth my babies. Because of YOU and what you did for us in life, I can be a better mama to these babies. Thank you Mama for every moment of my childhood, thank you for loving me despite what flaws I may have had. For holding me and loving me when I fought to be away. For helping me be a better Mama and having these momets.

I miss you mama always, but I find peace in that love.