I am a Survivor. With a big ol’ capital S. Why the big S? Because being a Survivor requires the acknowledgment of something stronger than just a name or description. It’s not who I am totally, but a big portion of my heart, soul and body. - Shani Kenny 2015

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

There will be no miracles.....

..... this Christmas Virgina. I know that's some off way of quoting a movie, but I don't care. Never could say I explain things right! LOL For the first time in 15 years, my kids won't get Christmas like they should. YES, they've received wonderful gifts from friends already. YES, they'll get stuff from my in laws and Great Grandma. But in the process from the in laws, there will be stipulations and put downs. It's done in such a way that for a long time the kids didn't realize it. Now they're older, they know. They know that now since my husbands sister and family are back at there house (from back east, Army) they won't see them as much. I'm ok with it, but it hurts them in the long run. It really does. It makes me so angry and hurt. I can't help it. I can't help that I can't get used to it. I can't be ok with it, you know?

I missed the sign ups for the Christmas program for low income families. I had strep for two damned weeks along with this stomach BS. It totally went out of my head along with everything else. I'm mad at myself, and it hurts me for them. Mae would have been the only one who got anything probably because of her age. But still, it sucks to sit here and know for the first time in their lives, I've got nothing to give them. With Chris work hours going from one extreme to another, we're playing catch up on bills as fast as we can. That leaves nothing left over. Of course, my crazy husband hoards his reward points he wins or gets from doing reviews from the store he works at and uses that to get things as he can when he has enough. But it's not the same.

They may not believe in Santa anymore, but they still love Christmas. yes, it really is about being together, doing fun things as a family, being silly and happy. Those are the best presents we can have. But for me, a kid that suffered through so much bullshit as a kid, it's difficult to choke down. I stopped believing in Santa by the time I was 5. Why? Because I was smart enough to know that no matter how good I had been, Santa didn't come to my house like he did to my friends;. I knew that Mike's (Mom's long term BF at the time) family bought for us, and treated us ok. But it wasn't the same. We were never with my own family during the holidays. Well let me re-phrase that...I can count on one hand how many times in 16 years we were around family during that time. I'd say just about 3. Even then, they all chose to walk away from us. Am I bitter? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. There is that part of me that still hurts for the 5 year old who stopped believing in just about everything that kids should believe in. Jaded at 5. How sad is that?

So you see, it hurts. I can't give them things like other parents do. They never complain about it, they never want shit all their friends have, and they are always happy with what they get, no matter what. But it doesn't stop us from feeling the pain. The pain that makes you feel like a failure in every possible way. This year has been so fracking hard on all of us. The last three months have been the worst I think. I find myself not posting to FB with silly stories of my family. I'm retreating back with in myself like I used to and closing off the ones who care about us most. It's easier that way. you find out that it hurts less and the more you keep it away from everyone, the less they have to endure and bitch about. I want to give my kids the world. How many parents do? A lot of us, and some not so much. 

Have I mentioned how I don't really like to take charity? Yup... I really do. I grew up in a household where you didn't take charity. If you did, you were a failure, an incompetent asshole and disgusting. I lived in a nice house, good neighborhood, yeah, but lived worse than we do now. SMH...I'm getting away from my points here. It kills my gut to have to suck it up and get help. It burns a hole in my soul..... all because of those few times during my childhood that I did accept the help. All because of one asshole who thought it was ok to bring on the pain whenever he could. I can't blame him totally though, for a lot of reasons. I've yet to learn to forgive him and what happened. I honestly don't know if I ever will be. It's what fuels my anger at moments like this. It's the honest truth.

I hate that we have to wait until tax time to make it up to them. To buy the things we want for them to have, new clothes, new goodies, etc. It hurts as a reminder of how effed up things were. Usually, I'm pretty ok during the holidays about everything. I really am....but this year...man...everything has me doing the bah hum bug quote. It just REALLY hurts. I'm not used to feeling like I failed my family so much, you know? 

No, I didn't post this for sympathy, for charity, for hand outs, for criticism or anything out. I'm posting because I'm trying to do what my mom always taught me. Writing it out, and getting it off my chest. I used to write a lot as a kid and teenager. I still do and figure here's a way where maybe, my stories might help anyone at all. Even if it's the bad shit. Maybe a time to later on look back and revisit how I was feeling. A reminder that it will get better. Right now, I just don't have the patience for it.

Sometimes, being a parent hurts a lot more than it should. Even though my kids are awesome about all of this and rarely pout about it...yup..rarely....it still hurts. I haven't broken that cycle it feels like. I've let them down and I don't know how to make it up to anybody in my family. I really don't. I can't work outside the home. The at home jobs, pfffttt. You realize how long it's been since I've done customer service work? Nearly ten years! I used to love it, and I don't mind it so much now. But I can't do it. My health is all tuckered up and I'm sitting here in the quiet, crying to myself as I type and having a pity part for one. It won't last long, I'll suck it up and distract myself. But for this one moment, I need to just get it all out. My heart aches for them and so much more. Knowing that my world is crumbling around me scares me worse than my health. It's hard to shut everything off and push forward some days. It really does.

I know in my heart of hearts, I'm not failing them as much as I think I am. But I could be doing so much better. I'll get there. I will....it's just a matter of which path to take.I have no real desire to do scrapping stuff and running huge sales, or getting organized to help bring some money in. I've totally slacked off and let so many people down. 

So yup..pity party for one up in here! I'm shutting the pity party and train down at noon, so I better get it on out while I can. 

In closing, I'm hurting. But I know it will get better. I just wish that I had done more or been able to do more for them this year. They're my whole life and my reason for breathing every day. I want to give them the world and more....and I can't. I really don't care for Christmas this year. But I'm keeping that away from my babies. Next year, maybe, just maybe, I'll have things put back together and have some plan to do better by them.

Even if I am all like Scrooge and Bah Hum Bug, I WILL be thankful and I AM for my family and friends. I'll rejoice in their love no matter what. My hope is that we'll all find peace this year and make it better. I know for sure that come tax time, we'll be able to spoil the hell out of them and then some. Just sucks it's AFTER the holiday. BLAH.... damned government! LOL jk....

Many happy wishes, thanks for reading my story, and may you all continue to be blessed.

1 comment:

  1. Shani honey I love you to pieces!! I feel the same way about christmas with my kids too. I don't have a lot of anything to give but my parents try to make up the difference but its not the same. Its not me paying for it or going out and getting it...its here look in this tub of stuff and pick out something she or he will want and tell them its from you. I totally get it and just want to tell you that I am in the same dam boat as you so if you take an ore and I take an ore than may be we can get the hell out of this boat!?! I am praying for you and your family not because I am taking pity on you but because I know how your heart feels cause I feel the same way! Love you to the moon and back!!